My Story 

Inspired_Eyes

 

I spent my childhood and early adulthood saying , 

"God there must be more than this."  

" What is my purpose?"  

I lived with a single mother who suffered with mental illness and was very abusive to me.  

After some time my mom was taken away as I watched the police come to get her to take her to an institution.  I was then placed with my grandparents who attended church on a regular basis and they had a outward appearance that made them seem like awesome Christian people.  

While I lived there I experienced more abuse verbally, physically, and sexually.  I had no true example of what a relationship with God was all about.  

I saw many around me who held true to some standards,

 yet saw little to no love or prayer. 

 I couldn't help but wonder,   

"God are they really doing this for you?"  

"Are they lifting up your goodness or their own goodness?"  

I also thought God couldn't be all that impressed , for he saw all and knew all.  

 

My mind was made up that I wanted to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  

I wanted to know who God was.

 I wanted to know his heart and ways

Something I will never forget is the first time I felt God's love for myself.  

I was praying at an alter, feeling a deep need for something real in my life.  

I felt as if I could not breath another second without it.  

Then this pretty woman came to sit next to me.  She asked me if I had repented yet.

I embarrassingly asked her what that word meant.  

She just smiled sweetly and said,

"that is when you ask God to forgive you of your sins and not repeat t

We then prayed asking God to cleanse me of all of my sins. 

All of a sudden this woman began to sob.  

She now had my full attention. 

 I was not prepared  for what she was about to say. 

She told me that she felt a strong feeling that she needed to tell me that my Father loves me.  I froze and stiffened.  

You see she didn't know that I had never met my Father nor did he even know I existed.  I then told her that I didn't know my Father and since he didn't know of me, 

I doubted it was likely that he loved me.  

She then held me and began to thank Jesus.

 

I thought to myself,  Wow this lady is really confused.  

Why would she thank Jesus because I didn't know my Dad?  But of course I was really the one confused.  That night I found out who my real Father was and that he died for me and loved me greatly.  

I gave him my whole heart with thankfulness.  It was simply enough for me to know that I had a Father who loved me and heard me when I prayed .  I expected no more and no less.  The adoration I felt for him was indescribable .  If only I had stayed in this place.  However my life had more trials to come.  

I was taken out of my grandparents home when the abuse became known to my school and placed in a foster home.

There I also experienced more abuse and neglect.  I moved in with an aunt and met my husband after a year in the foster home. 

 After dating my husband for two and a half years we were married.  From all the abuse I had endured, I had become a bitter and angry person.  I hated myself and blamed everyone for my pain and sorrows.  

I felt justified in any fit I decided to pitch.  

I was a wounded spirit.  

I was scared and confused. 

I had forgotten who my father was .

My marriage was a mess and so was my life.

 

BLESSINGS IN JESUS NAME.
HE WHO HAS BEGUN A GOOD WORK IN YOU WILL PERFORM IT UNTIL THE DAY OF HIS RETURN. IF HE STARTS IT HE WILL FINISH IT.
HE IS THE AUTHOR AND FINISHER.

 

Sis Cathy

 

 

DEAR DADDY,

I have no knowledge of who you are

as I sit looking at the distant stars.

I have always wondered what type of person you would be,

maybe not a person at all but a hero who someday will rescue me.

Maybe you are a super star in clothes all array.

How will I ever know , Is there any way?

Would we love each other or even speak?

Would you lift me up to kiss my cheek?

Can you miss and love that which you have never known?

I don't know but sometimes I feel all alone.

I feel I can never overcome this missing part

that continually burns inside my heart.

I miss the strong shoulders on which to cry and rest my head.

I miss the whispers of love that comes with a tuck in bed.

How can I miss the warmth of your hand

when you have always been far off in some distant land?

Please hear me , tell me what to do,

but most of all Daddy, tell me, Where are you?

 

 

 

 Inspired Eyes   Sis. Cathy's  Blessings 

Becoming more and more confused and lost everyday,

 I began my search for my biological father. 

I prayed for eight years that God would help me find my Dad.  

I felt for sure in my mind that my whole life would have been so much better

 had I had my father around.  

I also felt if I could only find him he would take all the pain away and make everything alright.  

During my pursuit to find my dad my marriage was in constant trouble,

 and I was in a constant state of depression.  

Sometimes I even felt as if I wanted to stop living. 

 I often felt tired and overwhelmed with life.  

I didn't have a very good walk with God but I did pray when I needed something. 

 

Finally one day I spoke with an aunt who I haven't seen in over 10 years.

 

 While on the phone with her she mentioned my mother and a boyfriend  she used to date.  

She said Cathy, you know I have often wondered if he was your dad. 

 My heart dropped.  

My mom had only told me my dads name and that's all I knew about him.  

I asked her what was the boyfriends name? 

 She told me the same name my mother had always told me, and at first it was all like a dream come true.  

 

I met my dad and he excepted me with open arms and became my best friend.

 

  Because my marriage was a mess, and my life, he took me in his home and said he would help me.  

At first I thought this was so wonderful, and finally after all my trials;

 someone would really love me, and I could find happiness. 

I thought my life was finally coming together.

I began to "party" with my dad. 

At first I was set back by his lifestyle,

 but I thought my love for him could change him for the better.  

But slowly my life style began to change to suit his.  

I wanted his love so badly that I was willing to do almost anything to gain it and win his approval. 

 I grew weaker and weaker. 

 For quite some time I was blinded to his, and now my, destructive behaviors. 

 I had left my husband and family and lost all sight of reality.  

It was not until my darkest hour and lowest point that God began to get my attention again.  

I was laying in a hospital room after major surgery, when I began to understand why my father had not been a part of my life before.  

I began to understand how blessed I was with my family and how greatly God had protected me.  

 

Here is where my lesson began.

 

I was on the verge of suicide. 

All hope was lost in my eyes. 

I felt so badly about who I was, and had become, that I hated myself; and everyone else, but used it as a crutch.  

Right when I was ready to give up, things began to turn around.  

It was late one night and I felt an overwhelming sense of fear wash over me.  I had not felt God for two years.  

I began to pray and start saying things I never thought possible.

Going over all of the unfair treatment in my life, 

I began to scream out to God.  

"God why have you forsaken me, why do you hate me so much, why wont you hear me?"

 " I am desperate, I need you, speak to me!"  

After a long silence with tears flowing there was no relief. 

Not realizing it, God began slowly to deal with me and revealing my sins to me.  

After sitting in my angry, bitter tears, my first sin raised its head.

I screamed out, 

"God I am so angry with you, why have you done this to me, why have you allowed all this pain in my life?"  

After all the blaming God for all my problems came out I gasped and just fell to the floor.

 

After falling to the floor I then began to sob with a deep brokenness.

My eyes flooded as I began to repent.  

Oh dear God , I am so sorry.  

I have no right to be angry with you.  

I just don't understand why I must continue to go through such great pain.  God began to speak to my heart.  

Through all the bitterness I thought I was angry with my abusers , but I was really angry at God.  

This was hard to face about myself, but I did,  and asked for forgiveness.  He now began to teach me that travail comes before birth.  Correction is needed before direction.  He had to reveal my sins to me before He could show me hope.  

I had to be willing to die before he could show me what it was like to truly live.

You see, no matter how hard I had tried to keep my life together;

 and control it, things just wouldn't improve.  

I didn't see before why this was, until God began to show my second sin and the main reason for my failure.  

The problem was, I had forgotten who my Father was.  

I had forgotten who wanted to take care of me and was in control.  

God was speaking to me now.  

I kept hearing the words over and over ...

 

" Get up, you shall live not die!" 

 

It wasn't Gods fault I was so unhappy and lost. 

It wasn't his fault I had to come to a place of 

great brokenness and sorrow,

 

  before I would hear his voice.  

 

 

It wasn't his fault I stopped trusting in him.  

 

It wasn't his fault I walked away from him.  

 

It wasn't his fault I had stopped putting my hope in him.  

 

I through sin and a bitter heart had chosen to be where I was.  

 

This was not easy to except.  

 

Seeing the real me was no fun at all.  

 

 

But I was grateful that God was speaking to me,

 

 

even if it was in correction.

 

 

For I knew he loves those who he chastises.

 

 

 

 

            Do you see the girl all grown up now combing her hair?

She is tired of living a life with no care.

She hears of blood shed for her by a perfect man.

She turns to Jesus and puts it all in his hands.

Do you see now as things change?

She falls to her knees asking for forgiveness,

for all the years of unfaithfulness.

Overwhelming joy in her heart soon appears

and her eyes are filled with rejoicing tears.

 

As she prays its as if she can see

Jesus running to her with open arms crying 

" how long I have waited for thee."  

"You are my child and my children are free!"

She cries out, 

" Jesus I want the world to hear, I want them to see."

" You have set this sinful , broken heart free."

" I wish they knew how changed their lives could be."

Well, I see but the question still remains "Do you see?"

This new born child in Christ is me!

God had revealed  to me some sins of mine. 

 

One I was angry at him without a cause, and

Two, that I had forgotten who my real Father was;

and forgotten who to trust and hope in.  

He also tried

to show me I was seeking after the wrong things.

Little did I know he was not done with my corrections.

I began a relentless task of trying to figure me out.

Trying to find out why I did the things I did and what

was wrong with me.  

See, I thought if "I"  could find the

problem with me then "I"  could fix it. 

Here is when I learned that God is not too fond of the question why.  He was trying to reveal my sins to me so I could be forgiven and go and sin no more and have peace and joy, not so I could fix me.

 

Replacing child like trust and desire to know God with self controlled life and desire to know me, was not the way to go.  

 

The focus was still on me...my faults, my problems, my needs.

 

Thinking the whole time this was the right thing to do.  

There was still resistance to what God was trying to tell me.  He was trying to free me. 

You see, it wants my job to fix me. 

 He is the Father and I am the child.  If only I would have stopped resisting, joy would have come.  

Still I was stubborn.  I began to seek out friends , counselors and pastors to try and fix me.  God still kept drawing me to him. 

 " Cathy, just do your best and I will do the rest''.  

If only I had listened the lessons would have been much easier.  I was making it hard on myself.  If I had just prayed that common prayer that now has so much meaning to me. 

" God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."  

My first love for him had been lost in sin and shame.  Still I was not focused on my Father.  I had forgotten that he wanted to be first to me.  He wanted to be everything to me and is everything I need.  I had forgotten how much he loves me.  At first glance my task of making me better was striving for perfection.  

What was underneath was still self centered, self pity, self controlled. 

I kept trying and asking God why was I still so unhappy.

Why am I so lonely?  Why do I feel so unloved?

Well God began to answer my questions.

" If you depend on anything other than God this is a form of idolatry."  

He is a jealous God He wants nothing or no one before him.  

When I walked away from him and forgot who He was, He allowed me to because I have that free will.  

It wasn't until I felt completely alone that I remembered who He was.  I had forgotten where my good came from.  I was striving for the wrong things.  

I thought I had to fix me before I could be loved or find joy.  I wasn't going to a church, I wasn't praying and seeking him like I should, I wasn't reading his word like I should, I wasn't giving to others the love I should. I thought I had to fix me before I could do any of the above.  

Boy were my wires crossed.  

He just wanted my surrender .  

I was now starting to see that I was still being self dependent and 

not Christ dependent.  

I was depending on my plan to make me better.

Earlier on in my life I had been made to feel by others

 that I was not worthy of Gods love. 

 I was talked to by others about inheritance. 

 I was made to feel that God was waiting to strike me down at any moment.  

God began to deal with me about this, and reminded me of an experience I had with him.  

He spoke to my heart while I was going through my toughest times before ,

" I am calling Israel Home"  

" I am married to the backslider".

  He also spoke to my heart that He "is" my inheritance and his blood is what makes me worthy of his love.  

I recall a time as a small girl that I asked a woman I admired ,

 " We call God many things, God, Lord , Savior, Almighty,  Etc.

 WHAT IS HIS REAL NAME?  She smiled sweetly and said Cathy call on the name of   JESUS   for there is power in that name. 

 I will never forget those words and realized now that I had forgotten  this power. 

But finally it was all starting to sink in.

 

I needed to forget about me 

and get to know him all over again.  

I needed to stop thinking of my problems and focus on my problem solver; "JESUS" . 

And not just because he could fix my problems, but because I love him and want to know him.  

Now I began to hunger for his love, peace, and joy.  

I yearned for that relationship where I know He hears me when I pray and excepts my praises.  I desired him to smile upon me.  

This is where healing began.  

He was calling me to a deeper level of consciousness.  I was beginning to remember how beautiful my Father really is.  

Walls of blindness, and numbness had occurred before through hurts and sins.  

It had dulled my understanding.  

Even though I could mentally and logically understand things of God, 

I just wasn't getting it before and there was no spiritual understanding.  Now I began to hear more clearly .  At this point he gave me an ear to hear. 

 

 "If you think "you" stand, take heed least "you" fall.  I alone cannot stand I with Him, can stand.  

He showed me that all the shame and fear I was feeling was simply from self dependency. 

 My thought pattern was that I could control my life and He knew He was my hope. 

 He even showed me that my self hatred was also just self-pity and self focused. I had tried everything I could before to make things better and me better except for one important detail..

" Trust In God".

Not only had I been self dependent all this time but I now was aware that I really hadn't trusted God.  

He wanted my trust and love.  

My fears were focused inward on me but love is focused outward on him and others. 

" Perfect love casteth out all fear".  

Sure, I was wanting my Father back at this point; but He was wanting his child back.  Here is where the lord taught me all about seeking Him.

It was all coming together now.  All this time I had been trying to save my own life.  

He spoke to my heart and said,

" He who saves his life shall lose it and he who gives his life saves it."  He was pulling at my heart strings but he wont force himself on anyone. 

 It was my choice.  

What He wanted was my life, my surrender, my love, my trust. 

 He said my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  

When I take on every challenge by myself it is too heavy to bear.  

He said , you are not alone , obey me, trust me , love me , come to me as a child knowing that I will supply your needs according to my riches in glory.

  I AM the great I AM . 

 Not only does God have what we need, but God IS what we need.  

If it is peace we need, HE IS, the prince of peace.  

If it is love that we need GOD IS LOVE.  

If it is truth that we need HE IS the way the truth and the light.  We only need to seek HIM.  He is all we need.  

God will be first and He will have the Glory.  We need only to completely surrender to him.  When I went to the Lord to tell him I was not worthy , He spoke to my heart, you do not serve me because you are worthy, you serve me because I am worthy.  

When I went to God to tell him I was not wise enough, he spoke to my heart, Isn't it your Father you go to for wisdom? 

 I  now found myself falling in love with Jesus all over again.  He is truly the GREAT I AM. 

 The fault fixer, the problem solver, the addict healer, the gift giver. 

 Whatever it is we need God truly IS.  

Oh how I love my Father. 

      After my much needed spanking!!! 

God now began to fill me with joy and hope.  The Lord desires us to be whole so when he takes sin out of us he replaces it.  He took out all fear and filled it with love.  

He took out all the bitterness and anger and filled it with joy and peace.  Now in whatever it is I am searching for rather it be love, understanding, comfort, or healing , I don't seek those things . I now know I must simply seek my Father. He knows all my needs.  I must die out daily to him and seek his face.  It really is that simple. I must make a true effort not to put any thing before him .  He wont tolerate anything or anyone before him, but at the same time he desires a willing servant.  

We must live in a conscious state of mind.  

Forever mindful of our beautiful Father.

Before I had put things before my Father. 

 I put my faults, my self, gifts he had given me, my earthly father, and many other things.  

Anything can be placed in front of God we must take care in always putting him first.  

I can recall the story in the bible where three men were given talents , one man was given one talent by God and this man , out of fear, hid that talent and therefore in a sense put it before Gods word and in the end because of lack of obedience, the man was left with nothing. 

Even though God himself gave the talent God himself took it away because the man placed more value on the talent than on the talent giver.  However the other two men obeyed God and used the talent to his glory and therefore valued God above the talent and God multiplied their talents.

I also recall the story of David . I have heard countless times that David was a man after Gods own heart.  David sinned greatly.  The way the story had been told to me troubled me because it seemed to be used as almost an excuse to do wrong or sin.  So I went to God about it.

 I read it for myself and asked the Lord how could a man that did so much wrong have a good heart Lord?  Then God gave me understanding.  The word never said that David had a good heart.  Nor did it say that he had made it and had the heart of God.  

It said that David was a man after (IN PURSUIT OF) God's own heart.

He sought after God's heart.  He wanted to know the heart of God.

The Lord can take whets wrong with us and make it right. David must have come to this understanding.  We must understand that it is God and God alone who is perfect.  Just surrender to him.  I smiled at this understanding and prayed Lord I give up.  I give my life to you.  

I want to be a woman in constant pursuit of thy heart Father.

We all are sinners and have  fallen short of the Glory of God.  

But we have a Father who loves us and desires to be with us.  He wants to reconcile and forgive us . Imagine that for a moment, KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS, wants our trust and love.  He wants a willing servant and even a friend in us.  Now this my friend is beautiful.  If he ask something of us and we feel we are not able , he says to simply trust in him to do the work through us .  He says he IS ABLE.  All he wants is a willing vessel.  

Anything we have is God given.  

He loves us, he died for us, he commands his angels to watch over us, he knows the number of hair on our heads.

 He desires our love, trust , and obedience in return.

There is another touching story in the song of Solomon where the groom speaks so sweetly of the bride.  

He even says she has dove's eyes.  

As I read on I also noticed that his heart was somewhat grieved because of the lack of adoration the bride shows in return to the groom.  

God loves us , we are his bride, we should spend time loving him in return.  We should spend time with him , loving our Father daily, praising him daily, praying continually in our hearts, singing love songs to him. He says

  "Seek me and ye shall find me".

 

At this point I prayed for more direction from God. 

 

I wanted to have an important job from him.  I wanted my life to have meaning . I needed to know what I should be doing and how I should be doing it and when I should be doing it.

He answered me,

"  I have been telling you what my will is my word tells you how and the time is now."  I prayed more and said,

 Dear Lord I now know I should seek you first but you know how hard headed I am Lord.  

I ask you to make your full purpose for my life clear to me.  He then spoke to my heart

" In my word is written the greatest commandment".

 

MARK 12:29-31.  

Once you truly  apply these to your daily life you will be set free from fear and sin . You will no longer be in bonds of sin but you will be in bonds of love with your Father.

Everyone of us want a purpose in Life.  

We must be careful not to feel Gods purpose is not enough.  For in Gods purpose is true love and true joy and true life.  One purpose that is universal and for all of us is to seek the Lord and to live his greatest commandment.  

If we wish to find favor with God then we need to show him favor.  Prefer him over all things.  Remember he is not interested in our abilities or lack of.

 

HE IS ABLE.

 

Mark 12:29-

And Jesus answered him, 

The first of all commandments is hear o Israel: 

The Lord our God is one Lord:  and thou shalt Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart , and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength:  this is the first commandment And the second is like , namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.  There is none other commandment greater than these.

                                    P.S. FRIENDS----MARK 12:29-31=PURPOSE

 

                 Oh sweet Jesus do they see?

            And do they see your love and light through me?

              Am I really all that I should be?

           As I ask myself this question I go back to the cross

                  Before you found me when I was so lost.

                     I observe what you did to save everyone.

             But what Have I done for souls to be won?

               When I called on you, you filled me with your spirit from above.

           I would not be here if I had not heard of your love.

Guide me Jesus everyday.

Teach me Father of thy way.

Humble my heart and cleanse my soul.

Send me the wounded and the cold.

I pray you fill them like you filled me.

They could know a love they never knew

 

         Brothers and sisters , Do you see?, Jesus loves you!

 

I am not suggesting that life will ever be perfect or that it is now free from storms,  but what I am saying confidently is that Our Father is the comfort "In" the storm,  if we are  willing to truly seek him first; along with consciously living daily his greatest commandment, we cant go wrong. 

He will continually lead us to a deeper more meaningful relationship with him.  

My Father and I have our special little system now so to speak.  

Now when I feel a need in my life whatever it may be,  instead of seeking out for that need to be met,  I go in my closet and seek his face. 

I praise my King and love him and during this time he often lays someone on my heart who has a similar need as I do.

After I get off my knees and thank him, I call or contact this person and spend my time giving them love, and helping that need the best I can. Encouraging them in God. 

I tell them just how much God loves them and He loves them enough to lay them on someone's heart.  

The surprise in this system is while I am giving my life to the Lord and to my neighbor,  I am at the same time, finding my needs being met.  

Giving to others is nourishing to our own souls.  After I leave that neighbor,  I am feeling fulfilled and joyful in the Lord.

 

After God revealed his purpose to me I got to thinking.

 

If " faith " is the " substance of things  "hoped" for and the  "evidence" of things not seen.   Is it possible that our "love" and "faith" in our Father the "hope"  and " evidence" to others of God's  sovereignty and existence?  

And even more is our "love" for our neighbor what makes God's "love" visible to them?

 

You see the Lord not only is teaching me but he is changing my character.  I no longer try focusing on me but I focus on him and my neighbor and he focuses on me and my neighbor.  He has changed my point of view.

 

A preacher once told me that the church is a hospital for the wounded.  I tend to agree with him.  I also feel that we are called to be specialist.  

Examples of Gods character and love. 

 The church is a place where Gods love should be most deeply felt.  Let us not have churches/hospitals that ignore , neglect, or shoot its wounded.  For me I knew that the church was there to help me with my little problems but the major ones I didn't really trust the people of God to really be there.  Thankfully I now realize I need not focus on my problems or others problems, but instead on knowing God and loving him and my neighbor.  I must live my life giving my life.  People do not really care what we think but how we live that will effect them.  

God,  however often deals with his people through his people.  And I felt it part of my purpose to let others know that we are not victims of this world or circumstances, God is in control. I must remember as it is not my job to fix me it is also not my job to fix others. I am not able to do either.  It is my job to seek my Father and love him and listen to my neighbor and love and pray for them.  

God will do the rest.  

Let us have the fruit of the spirit in all we do and say. For we must seek him  in spirit and in truth, we cannot have one without the other.

 

RESTORATION

I have learned that prayer is a path on which we can walk where the enemy cannot reach us.  I will believe in Gods sovernty. I will tell the Lord I love him I will tell him loud and clear. I will let him know its him I hold dear.  Prayer is no longer an option in my life but it is a privilege and a responsibility.  It is also a commandment. Luke 18:1

The Lord hears our prayers Ps. 116:1-2

The Lord answers our prayers Is 64:24

Let us praise the Lord for who he is. Rev 4:8

Let us remember that through tough times God is still good and he has not fallen from his throne.  Let not our circumstances side track us and cause us to miss out on a blessing.  In Gods word when uzziah died, Isaiah had lots of people around him yet he was the only one recorded to have seen God's Glory.  Could it be because the others were too busy mourning and looking at the circumstances  and Isaiah was focused on God?

I have come to realize that maturity is suffering without complaining and being misunderstood without explaining. 

 

Let us know that God is one Lord and let us love him and trust that he is in control.  And let us love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  

My life has been hard at times this is true, but my Father is so faithful even in my foolishness and all I must do is trust in him.  People can rob us of our reputation but never our character. They may steal our image but not our substance . Let us therefore take on the character and substance of our Father. Be strong in the Lord and the power of his might.  The Lord himself goes before us and will be with us, he will never leave or forsake us.  Do not be afraid or discouraged. You are not alone.  

We must seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. And all these things will be added unto us.

Let us seek after Gods character and he will trust us with his gifts.  The Lord loves us just the way we are true but he loves us way too much to let us stay that way.

Encourage yourself in the Lord.

Let us not be tied down in the realm of reasoning , fear, and doubt.  

Pray for the blessings of God on ourselves and others.  

Let us chose love over fear. 

Let us not live in the past which can cause guilt.

Let us not live in the future which can cause fear.

Let us live in today and be in love with God.

The Lord has now restored my marriage and my beautiful family unto me.  It is now stronger than ever and I have my Father to thank for that.  I have also learned in dealing with my husband. I stopped talking to him so much about God, and started talking to God more about him.

But that's a whole other story.

May God Bless you always, and I pray you have found some comfort in my little story.

 

John 14:2  In my Fathers house there are many mansions: if it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am , there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know and the way ye know.

 

Thank you Father.  My one true goal in life is to some day see my Father face to face and see him smile at me and embarrass me and call me his child, that is what keeps me looking up!

Thank you, and Glory to you my King!

This Ends "My Story" from the Beginning.

Sis. Cathy

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